It’s so strange being in LA where I had my first major breakdown about 25 years ago. I came here full of hope and joy and was sent home in a box. I thought I’d just skip into town and be snatched up by one of those sit coms about perky people who say inane things and giggle a lot . The problem was, I wasn’t perky and it was obvious; my eyes were dead, I didn’t fit in and being permanently miserable, I was dark and no one wants to be near someone who’s seems depressed especially in this weather.

To avoid re-visiting that trauma I thought this time I’d buy one of those dog collars to block out the familiar sights that drove me to my bed where I watched “The Love Boat” on T.V for 7 months and starting to think it was a really good show (a sign of madness)  before being shipped back. If you aren’t famous or rich you’re treated like an untouchable (lowest rank in India). You really are abandoned and left on your own.

Also LA can really stoke up your envy because people aren’t visible on the streets and so you imagine the lives these people must have in those ‘fuck off’ houses the size of continents; the infinity swimming pools and I mean infinity as in endless.  What do they do all day?  I’ve been told the wives have lunch for a living and still manage to look like a starving person from a third world country, their faces held up by thread. You see them stick insects eating a lettuce leaf.  One street after another is loaded up with mansions rammed next to each other, all imitating different periods in history. A fake thatch is next to a faux White house next to something Medieval with space to joust.

But this time these people are coming to my show and in the second when we have a discussion they’re telling me all is not well. Many of them are coming to the free Monday night walk-in sessions  with Professors from UCLA telling them what is known so far about depression by looking into the brain and possible cures in the future. And they seem troubled and have the same problems underneath as we all do not just the 1 in 4 who suffer from some sort of mental illness but everyone. It’s such a twist, I left here depressed 25 years ago and now they are.  How the world turns. 

I did a Reddit AMA interview last night after pulling out most of my hair because I couldn’t figure out how to get onto it. Anything I can’t put in my mouth frightens me. Even sending a tweet I panic because I have something in me, maybe a virus that breaks any machinery I put my hands on.  My computer once blitzed out on me completely broken with no explanation; there were flames on the screen like the scene in “Gone With the Wind” where they burn down the South.  Maybe it’s my hormones that have killed all my phones.

Anyway connecting to reddit worked out yesterday (no fires) and I want to thank everyone who wrote in especially those who were brave enough to tell their stories ( one guy wrote that his mother killed herself and that he wished she had told him why she was depressed but in those days you covered it up and never spoke of it ).  Really thank you for being so brave and inspiring other people to speak out. The comments were fantastic; some poignant and other just asking about my cats (what a variety we humans come in) so I’ll be posting naked shots of them in the next few days in various positions.  I loved the experience and want to do it again, earlier I hope you’ll all come on again and we can talk about life, mental problems and cats.

Read it here