I offer my book “Sane New World” as an antidote to Christmas for those of us who don’t feel jolly, and I suspect there are far more people out there who won’t admit to it and smear on a cheery face.  ‘Tis not a season to be jolly,’ tis a season to have a nervous breakdown from buying gifts in a stampede of The Crazed; catching the madness like a virus from everyone out there so you end up buying things no one will ever want, like a pitchfork. 

It’s an alternative to Christmas book for those of us who hold onto our sanity for dear life at this most insane day of the year. Sending Christmas cards to people who do not send you one back is a one-way ticket to a mood disorder.    There you are preparing the turkey, broken and bitter, stuffing stuff into some bird’s ass as you watch your life go by and no one will even remember that you stuffed it. You end up so out of it you don’t know if you’re stuffing the turkey or your brother-in-law. And to make things worse, you know you’re slaving over something that will go in one end and out the other. 

 There is nothing more upsetting then buying someone a cashmere scarf and getting a candle. That is what you mean to them- a candle – a social leper. I usually wrap up the gifts each person gave me the year before with a card that says’ same to you’.  When you buy presents you try to pick a price based on how much someone means to you and that always changes moment-to-moment. And then there are the people you need favours from.  I always send a big gift to my banker hoping it will stop him ripping me off for the coming year. The worst is counting down on New Years Eve to ‘1’ and not feeling that erection of exhilaration like everyone else when the fireworks go off; that’s when I know to go into my closet and not come out till February.  I think I’ve finally cracked it now I go far away each Christmas and come back looking surprised saying “Oh did I miss something? Sorry.”

I did my sermon yesterday at the School of Life.  The event takes place in a church but isn’t based on any religion, it’s just as a great venue where everyone sings and shouts and then you (which was me that day) give your philosophy of life at a pulpit. The hymn’s yesterday were “Crazy” and “Reach Out” by the Four Tops. It’s got such a great atmosphere, everyone is there open and ready for action. Derren Brown does the next sermon on December 4th.  I did my speech after listening to 300 people singing at me so my hair was standing on end.  This is my first try out of the new show based on my book “Sane New World” it’s always interesting and sick-making to wing it.  I haven’t memorized the script yet so I’m roughly getting the ideas across hoping I’m making sense. 

The show is for the 4 in 4, not the 1 in 4 who have mental illness.  It’s for everyone who feels the pressure of just living and getting through the day.  Our brains don’t have the bandwidth for living in the 21st century, evolution didn’t know this was coming and so we can’t really cope. Part of our brain (the cognitive bit) created this glorious technology which was supposed to make life easier and give us spare time. We wouldn’t know spare time if it came and hit us on the head. The emotional part of the brain is stunted, it just didn’t develop so we don’t know how to cope with the continuous flow of bad news.  You open a newspaper and everyone in it is was killed.  It’s like we’re junkies for things that drive us nuts even though we know it drives us nuts.  Our own thinking is what’s driving us mad. The world is the way it is so now we have to learn how to rewire our habits of thinking and find the brakes so we’re not dragged through life by an endless list of emails to answer.  The idea is to become the master not the slave of the mind. 

Just to remind everyone out there that BlackDogTribe.com is still cooking and still hooking up like-minded people to support each other or just talk to someone like them. I originally set it up a few years ago because during my shows the audience would ask questions; “What do I say to my kid/friend/co-worker?”  “Should I take drugs?” “Who can I go to for help?”  I had a free walk-in each week where I’d supply experts on the brain and a whole band of volunteers from Sane to answer individual questions. 

I really wanted to start walk-in centres everywhere but because a lot of people don’t want to admit anything is wrong or feel that shame we all feel, the next best thing was to create an anonymous on-line community where people can meet people who suffer the same symptoms. That means care-takers can talk to other care-takers and give each other advice on what to say besides “perk up” (that’s a killer).  People who can’t get out of bed can talk to others who can’t lift themselves up and out.  It’s such a relief to talk to your tribe who will never get bored talking about how they feel. People who haven’t got a mental illness can get bored or feel helpless so it’s such a relief to talk to your own kind. Last year I handed BlackDogTribe to Marjorie Wallace who runs Sane, an incredible charity where they have a continual hot-line for support and how to get help among other things.  She is an angel and worked 30 years to create Sane. I hope you all join the BlackDogTribe so you do not feel so alone.