I don't like parties anymore, I don't think I ever did but when you drink, the world is your oyster card. I remember in the old days throwing it back as fast as I could and thinking I was a joy to behold. I wasn't, I told the same story over and over again and didn't notice people blurring over with boredom. I spent days afterwards on the phone asking if I went too far? If you have to ask it you did.

I went to a large party a few days ago and this time was aware of why in the past I felt the need to get drunk. Maybe it's because I've been practicing mindfulness that this time I could notice with clarity what was happening and what I was feeling and thinking in the moment. When I'm with a few people and feel stressed I have the space to be able to focus my attention on one of my senses either breath, sound, taste, touch or sight and be able to cool down my chattering mind, think clearly and listen to everyone. At this party - with so many people in one room - my mind scattered so I fell straight into my old habits from way back in childhood; getting people laugh to get their approval. Why I need to do this I don't know. It could be because as a child I always thought the more people I could get to like me, the more protected I was from my parents' abuse. It would be like building a human igloo of protection. So I'm at the party moving like a starving animal hunting for attention from person to person. I usually gravitate to those I perceive as the most powerful or popular. If I can get them to like me my self-esteem goes up a mile. That feeling only lasts a few seconds because it's such hard work. While I'm mentally tap dancing for their attention, my mind is assaulting me with, "Any second they're going to find out that I'm a fraud".

I'm ashamed to write this but it's true and better out than in. The rest of the evening is spent panicking about how long I'm supposed to talk to one person and then when do I turn and talk to the next? I don't want them to turn away first: that would stab me in the heart, so I exhaust myself trying to stay interesting even if they're boring me senseless. What kind of people have the confidence to just stand there and be boring? Does this mean they're more evolved or superior to the rest of us? So, I'm standing there holding a glass and my mind is now a car crash of instructions on what to do next. (I never know why we can't sit down. Does standing mean you're a grown-up?) And then dinner starts and you're assigned to sit next to someone you don't know and have to talk to him/her for the rest of the night. Is this supposed to be fun? I'm dripping in sweat because of feeling the burden that I have to keep the conversation titillating. I found myself at this party saying, "So tell me about the diggers you invest in, in East Africa." I caught myself humped over desperately trying to keep my interest going but then thought, "I can't do this anymore" and making sure he didn't notice, I made sure I didn't upset him by letting him finish his speech about diggers, I slipped away. I suppose that is being mindful, noticing that my mind was out of commission and I wasn't really there. I left to sit in the loo to calm my racing mind. I could then clearly decide what I really felt I wanted to do. Without beating myself up about it, which would have happened five years ago, I went to bed. It turns out no one noticed I left. Sometimes it's good not to feel like you have to steal the show - you only end up with a hangover.

mark langford ‏@langford_mark 
@Rubywax #AskRuby what are your reading? apart from tweets...

I’m reading books about the brain to figure out how to make mine better; they make me feel like I’m feeding it.  I like David Eagleman’s stuff.

 MillyMollyMandy ‏@Amandastock1 
@Rubywax will you be doing another tour? Please come to Chelmsford! #askruby

I’m going to be at the Edinburgh Festival August 1-7 then starting another tour in September www.rubywax.net/tour. I will tour until hopefully I hit every crevice and protrusion in the UK. I am a driven woman.

 Rosemary Channin ‏@RosemaryChannin 
@Rubywax What were the best and worst parts of the Oxford Mindfulness course? I'm thinking of applying at some stage #AskRuby

The best bit was I had Mark Williams as a professor who is one of the founders of Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy so I learned from the horse’s mouth. The worst bits are trying to write a dissertation with some confidence when you know you got a D in English in High School.

 Sooper8 ‏@Sooper8 
@Rubywax #askruby Is Mindfulness a radical political ideology ? And if not , should it/could it be?

Absolutely not. Practicing mindfulness sharpens up your mental muscles so you can pay ‘attention’ to what you want to focus on. Not easy when your brain is going 2,000 miles on hour dragging you through an endless list that never ends.

 Charlotte Warwick ‏@teacakeuk 
@Rubywax #askruby Do you think they'll ever repeat 'Girls on Top'? I loved that show!!

I hope not, we were not in our right minds.

 miss musical ‏@missmusical3 
@Rubywax Do you think being in the public eye makes your mental health issues harder to deal with? #AskRuby.

It’s hard to deal with mental illness whatever eye you’re in; public or private. First, you feel you have to hide it and when you do get busted for having it they burn you at the stake metaphorically.

 Pete Burns ‏@PeteBurnsICON 
@Rubywax what are your views on ECT #AskRuby

What works for one person can seriously screw up the next. I have friends who had Electro convulsive therapy and got over their depression then other’s who disappeared in a fog. 

 lee boyle ‏@slowliving1 
@Rubywax hey Ruby, would you recommend long-term medication for depression? #AskRuby

Who am I to say? Each man for him self.  If you have a real mental disease (I don’t mean you’re a little sad) then I say you need as much as a diabetic needs insulin. I wouldn’t tell them to not take it and it’s the same with depression.  With depression I’d add the therapy, you need both.

 Kenny D-S ‏@Kipplewinker 
#AskRuby What is your favourite silent movie? #unusualquestionputtoacelebrity

“The Artist” .  You didn’t even realize no one was moving their lips with no noise coming out.

I woke up this morning with that agony that fills your body when you're deep in the depths of despair. There are people who think emotional pain isn't as bad as physical pain but here's the rub, there's empirical evidence that physical pain and emotional pain are registered in the exact same region of the brain. In other words, your brain can't tell if you're suffering from heartache or someone stabbed you with a knife and both hurt.

My opinion is that the feeling comes first and then the mind scrapes around for some explanation (usually it's wrong.) It grabs anything that's happened or might happen, "I must be sad because no one answered my email. I feel heart-broken because my daughter didn't get a part in the school play. I hurt because someday I'm going to die. One of those must be the reason for my pain."

So I'm sitting there, literally because I'm doing 20 minutes of mindfulness. I can feel exactly where the pain arises accompanied by my mind working overtime to explain the pain; a part of me knows I'm just in pain and I'm filling in the blank as to why. It could be because of my pervious night's dream or some imagined horror or it could be because I'm slowly coming off my anti-depressants. I'm doing it because I know that there's a 65% chance of preventing relapse for those who practise mindfulness and want to see if I'm in that group. I may not be but for God's sake, I studied it, I should practise what I preach. P.S. I won't feel any shame if I have to go back on them as I know it's nothing personal, I just might be in the minority who need to be medicated.

Later that day, I was supposed to do a Pilate's class and inside I'm going, "No way. I can't do this." I dragged myself up anyway and went to the class. I tried to pay attention to the area I was exercising in my body without my mind dragging me back into endless rumination. To me Pilates is moving meditation in that you focus on a specific area in the body and automatically the voices get quiet. You can't be engaging one of your senses and having a chattering mind at the same time. I can feel how my mind wants to snare me back and I'm gently trying to take my focus back down into my body; it's like a battle.

Near the end of the class, the instructor did something she's never done before. She took hold of my entire leg and told me if it was OK to let it go, let her take the weight. Now, I don't usually trust anyone to take hold of any part of my body but I've known her for 20 years so I thought, "Ok, let's give it to her."

She held it and moved it without my muscles trying to grab it back for a change. Then she held the other leg and I have to say that this surrender, this feeling of being vulnerable was something I've never experienced before. When she placed both legs on the ground it occurred to me how I live my life contracting, holding onto my body most of the time to protect myself. It's similar to when you poke a starfish or insect and it retracts it's extremities. I imagine everyone, maybe without realizing, is holding onto them selves, clenching their muscles around them like armour and probably that constriction is reflected in the mind. Fear could be the reason we contract ourselves physically and mentally. I don't remember a time when I could just lie on the floor and not obey the impulse to get up. My mind usually grabs onto something I have to do immediately accompanied by shame if I just lie there and not move.

As I feel myself sinking into the ground, I get a feeling that slow waves of warm syrup are pouring through me. I then actually feel that burning you get around your eyes when tears well up. I I haven't felt this for decades, probably because of medication. When I start to congratulate myself for these feelings, I lose the sensation and go back into my head. Then when I focus inside again and get that feeling of nothingness, just drifting in warm water I start to hink this could be a sign of coming off medication, this could be that think called 'feelings.' If the sacrifice is to feel pain once in awhile, to get a hit of this sunlight might be worth it.

When I finally got up I realized I had to get to a party (as if the world would stop if I didn't go) a mere hour before getting on the train to Exeter to do my show. I got lost on the way in the car and dripping in sweat I found the venue. I thought it was going to be a small gathering but there was a large roomful of socialites (rich, blonde and thin) all sitting at tables listening to someone talking about the need to feed African people. I thought I was going to a birthday party. I had no idea we were there to save people. I gave my friend the birthday present anyway. (It wasn't her birthday). Everyone laughed thinking I did it to be funny. No, I did it because I didn't want to miss an event in case I would be forgotten. I had to hold myself back from giving myself a spurt of anger because I didn't stay on the floor and just calmly get up in time to catch my train. This becoming aware and breaking old habits is such a hard thing. I just try to forgive myself and think maybe, maybe next time I can stay on the floor a little longer.

I just spent three days at an incredibly expensive hotel, which I would never have paid for but Ed (husband) won it in a raffle. I can only relax knowing that I'm not paying - it's part of my heritage. So I'm sitting here jaw-dropped, looking at a mile long drive, lined with gigantic horse chestnut trees, pastures of horses, a story book sky and what am I thinking? I'm thinking about how angry I am that someone in London fixing my bathroom has put in a shower tray rather than a flat-tiled floor. I'm sitting in this perfection, attempting to practise being mindful, focusing on the beauty before my eyes but no, I'm dragged back to the shower tray saga and getting more and more angry. I'm trying with all I've got to not hate myself for being so shallow. (The self-forgiveness is a big part of mindfulness). I try to bring my attention to the physical sensations of rage rather than dwell in my unanswerable ruminations on why the plumber is an idiot and I need to kill him.

If I concentrate on exactly where that feeling of anger is in my body, the words start to fade and change and even dissolve. At first I feel that old familiar burning ball in the middle of my stomach, my jaw-ache from the Reptilian grimace and the throbbing hot metal bar across my eyes. This sensation is as familiar to me as the taste of chocolate. It's so familiar I almost love the taste. It dawns on me, sitting in this blissful English setting, that maybe the shower tray isn't what's making me angry but my habit of feeling anger. Duh! Suddenly I realise that when the shower tray ordeal gets resolved, I'll replace it with another problem that pisses me off. I get it that I'm addicted to the feelings and the explanation (words )comes in later. How great it would be if I was in the habit of feeling joyful, I probably would have a stream of positive thoughts like, "Gee, aren't I lucky to be able to afford a shower tray?" Or "It's so great so-and-so didn't call me back, now have more 'me' time?"

What keeps me practising mindfulness is even though each time I'm face-to- face with my own heart of darkness, I know (see brain research) that I'm incrementally unwiring the neurons that lock me into my habits. I picture one neuron unwiring after another. This is just an image not an actuality). Even in my imagination, I have to be patient because we have 100 billion neurons so I know it takes time. I have to admit (a positive thought) that there has been progress. In the past, I would have hunted down the shower tray guy and torn him from limb to limb. About an hour later, I would have suffered the remorse that goes with the limb tearing. Then I'd be sick with a bad hang-over of the poison I just flung.

So, I sit here feeling of the anger change shape and intensity and with it the words that I have glued on. As I get some space in my brain rather than the red mist, I focus my attention on a branch of a tree in front of me. I really see it without commenting on it and gradually the thoughts demonically creep in, "Why did he put in a shower tray?" So, I gently send my focus back down again to the location of the anger and the words disperse and then back to the branch in its clarity and then the thoughts come back and this is mindfulness in action.

Well, this mindfulness thing seems to be taking off, which I never expected. When I first went to Oxford three years ago to get my masters in MBCT (mindfulness-based cognitive therapy) I wouldn't tell anyone what exactly I was studying I thought it sounded fluffy. I would say I was studying science and then just mumble the 'm' word. Now it seems to have become the zeitgeist.

But like all zeitgeists it may swing the other way. People may start making mindfulness perfumes or dressing in white mindfulness turbans with recordings of 'ting ting' sounds plugged into their ears.

On the other hand, the positive results of practicing mindfulness, for even a short while can be seen loud and clear in a brain scanner and this isn't fluffy. Empirical evidence shows that cortisol and adrenaline lower because the activity in the amagdala (the alarm system of the brain) is calmed (which in turn brings down the stress hormones.)

We need some sort of braking system because in this culture we live with the constant anxiety of not having enough, fear of the future and the mania to stay busy. If there is no 'off' switch you won't just get stressed they'll contribute to certain cancers, diabetes 2, heart disease, obesity, infertility, mental illness. (You get the idea.) This is the only reason I began my studies otherwise I would have hugged a tree (not really).

Anyway, the point is last week I went to the launch of the All Party Parliamentary Group on mindfulness in the Houses of Parliament. The panelists included professionals in criminal justice, mental health, education, journalism, politics, four school children and (get this) me. There they were, MPs, Lords and Baronesses and me. (I wish my parents could see this their, heads wouldn't just spin, they'd fall off.) The day ended in applause from the 'big wigs'.

The kids were the most effective and touching. A twelve year old said that before he starts an exam or something taxing, he just sits and feels his breath waiting for his brain to clear until he feels his anxiety fade. Imagine if everyone knew this? We might reduce the number of people, especially kids from burning out in the name of getting and A+.

Here's the latest #AskRuby in full.  You can get involved by tweeting @rubywax and using #AskRuby

Kourosh Newman-Zand ‏@KouroshSense 
@Rubywax #AskRuby Have/Would you use technology (hardware or software) to practice mindfulness?

It would be better to learn mindfulness from an authentic, living 3d human who can answer questions.  To practice, I listen to CD’s of Mark Williams (a founder of MBCT) to remind me how to pay attention and bring me back from my mind nagging me to death.

 John Marshall ‏@MrFrugii
"@Rubywax: #AskRuby" Do you like ice cream? X

I’m scared of ice cream. If I take one hit of it I’ve got to finish the carton. It’s junkie behaviour.

 Dawn Rees ‏@ReesDawn 
@Rubywax #AskRuby by what practical means might we effectively challenge #socialmedia impact on childrens #mentalhealth?

Burn celebrity magazines if any in the house or any other magazine that makes a normal person feel inferior.

 HRH cjjosh ‏@cjjosh 
@Rubywax Do you have a routine to keep stable - and do you become completely sick of that routine? #AskRuby

I have no routine at all besides brushing my teeth.  If I start to get into a “I should have, I didn’t, I’m a looser” state wherever I am,  I will (even for a few minutes) try to anchor myself by sensing my breath going in and out or sending my focus to sound, just listening.  That cools my engines.

 Paul Carder ‏@paulcarder 
Yes @rubywax : Q: are we getting much closer to being able to talk openly about #mentalhealth in the #workplace without stigma? Thx #AskRuby

I feel there’s a change in the wind coming as far as openly discussing mental illness at work.  I hope very soon it will become illegal to discriminate against mental illness just as it is for a physical disability. Free at last. Free at last. 

 Lynne ‏@lfmartin10 
@Rubywax #askruby how would you spend your fantasy 24hrs?

Asleep.

 James. ‏@JamesCole96 
@Rubywax Will you be releasing your show 'Sane New World' on DVD or CD at all? I found it so so useful! :-) :-) #AskRuby

“Sane New World” (the book) is out in audio if you can’t find it come back to me I will whip the appropriate person responsible.

 Morag Wycherley ‏@momes_cpn 
@Rubywax #AskRuby what's your opinion on the current state of mental health services? X

Not very impressive.  Where or where will you find someone who A. understands the right drugs to perscripe for specific disorders. B. If you find a good therapist, tell me.

I'm still on tour with my show "Sane New World" where I've zigzagged across and up and down the UK and Ireland and Wales and have never been happier, in spite of the four hour train journeys between 'gigs.' (Not a word I've used much having not been a rock star). Part of the joy is that I stay in the most bizarre hotels; one had a wooden stage coach as a wine bar in my room and a white linen dining table set for two with numerous wine glasses even though it was only me staying in there. In another town I found myself in some 'frozen in time' 50's café. I overheard the waitress say that there was going to be a 50th birthday party for a gypsy that evening. Of course, I had to invite myself and after the show I had a night with them all, a family of 200 gypsies living in a camp together; some in caravans, some in log cabins, all dressed to the max. The party took place in a ballroom-sized log cabin with a country and western theme, photos of bucking broncos and cowboys on the walls. Their kids were all on a bouncy castle somersaulting into the early morning. The women were dressed for "Come Dancing" with hair up to the ceiling, all vying to read my palm. The men, tattooed up the wazoo, the size of bulldozers, stood around looking tough which wasn't hard as they were known for their bare knuckle fighting.

In Buxton, I found myself in a park with a professional falconer with his band of birds. He took a shine to me and put a half a frozen rat on my head so his falcon could land on my hair as it swooped down from a tree. I was not prepared for the claws in my scalp with the half eaten dead rat. I then bought a pirate ship about six feet long thinking I got a bargain for only £125 and it was probably worth thousands. I carried it on the train - changing at two stations - only to be told by my friends it was hideous and looked like it cost 80 pound.

Besides the mingling with the wonderful and weird, I love doing the show; all the theatres are tiered like wedding cakes and the audiences are smart and quick to get what I'm talking about. It's such a great feeling to be onstage and not feel the usual desperation to get a laugh.

This show is a joy to do, I think because I'm not focusing on myself but talking about something I'm passionate about and obsessed with; the brain. It's based on my book Sane New World where I've stolen the research from some of my heroes in neuroscience and spun it in comedy (so they won't sue me for plagiarism). It seems wherever I perform people want to know about how this mysterious thing on top of their necks works; after all, it's who they are. I think people are becoming more curious as to why they do what they do and why they live the way they live. It's because we're being dragged to death by a life of busy-ness and we live our lives with no brakes, only breakdowns. To 'know thyself' is coming back into fashion. I guess we're also starting to realize that no matter how much money you make, how famous you are or how powerful, if you aren't awake at the wheel or spend your life trying to achieve some goal without even enjoying it; you have nothing.

I love talking about the fact that technologically we're at the top of our games but as far as knowing how our brains work, we're in the dark ages. It's like we have this Ferrari on top of our head but no one gave us the keys. It's amazing to me this information isn't shouted from the rooftops and on every headline of all newspapers, which is that our minds are malleable, like play-dough we can intentionally change the structure and therefore the way we think and behave. We can unwire neurons and rewire new ones to break our old habits of thinking and create new ones that might give us a more flexible outlook and dare I say, happier life. And this is called neuroplasticity. Gloria Gaynor was wrong when she sang, "I am what I am." We aren't what we are, we have many possibilities so she's going to have to change those lyrics but it's going to be hard because not much rhymes with neuroplasticity. This gives me so much hope and I hope that spreads to the audience.

We're living in a society that encourages multi-tasking; all interruptions by phones, texts, emails or other 'luminous rectangles' are welcome and what's more make us feel warm and wanted. 'I'm busy, therefore I am' (a slight twist on the Descartes line). Brain research shows that rather than it being a great accomplishment of mankind to be able to 'juggle everything', it may actually scramble your brain. (Duh!) The part of the brain you need for learning and memory, the hippocampus, is only active during uninterrupted focus. Interruptions of attention impair learning so if you're trying to learn Mandarin while speed walking on a treadmill, forget about it; it won't stick. You need focused attention to grow neural connections in the hippocampus, that's how learning happens. Focused attention builds up grey matter in the brain, which increases the ability to remember, attend, inhibit and execute actions, no matter what age you are.

Learning to pay attention; to focus on what you want to focus on and not focus on what you don't want to focus on is the road to freedom. It allows you to see things as if for the first time and novelty is a component of happiness. If you actually taste, smell or touch something as if for the first time, you feel alive, excited and rediscover that sense of wonderment you had as a child when everything gave you a buzz. If you see the world through curiosity rather than a 'seen it, done it' lens the world could become more manageable.

As far as being human, this is what makes us superior. Sadly many people don't use their curiosity. They have it, but it has become obsolete. We are born with this feature, that's why when we're children, our hunger for information is insatiable, we don't even care what the story is, we just want to be stimulated. That is how our brains grow and how, as more and more neurons connect, we become smarter. Then comes school. The point of going is, hopefully, to ignite that nascent curiosity in more ways; history, math, religion, literature etc. Millions of years ago they didn't have school but it was a matter of life and death for the kids to learn how to make a fire, beat animals sense- less with rocks and wash their hands before they went to the loo.

These days, I feel that what kills the spark of curiosity is the fact that everything hangs on a grade. Nothing will burn out an interest quicker. I'm aware high grades get you into a great university where you will go to the best parties, but if you get hooked on this chasing the grade thing and (even worse) if your parents push you too hard, you might find that you get the habit of chasing a rabbit for the rest of your life, thinking that there will be some reward in front of you, always just out of reach. And when you conquer something, it might not be for the personal satisfaction of attaining a goal but rather for beating the competition. So curiosity goes out the window and competitive spirit steps in and you've gained a grade and lost out on the reason we're alive.

Most people don't ask questions and some of the most brilliant people I know (with IQs off the planet) have no curiosity and are therefore idiots.

I'm on tour with Sane New World until the end of May, talking about the brain and mindfulness.

Here's the latest #AskRuby
(You can take part each week by tagging your questions on twitter with #AskRuby)

1. @harchie12: @Rubywax what irritates you most about a theatre audience?

You must know what I’m going to say; when they don’t laugh. I think, “Well I’m laughing and that’s all that matters.” A woman passed out during my show once I didn’t love that either.

2. @boxoffrogs16: @Rubywax #askruby do you have a cd/download/ youtube to help with mindfulness all my mh team gave me was 3 page A4 script it impossible !

You can’t learn anything on 3 pages. Tell them they wasted the paper.

3. @mimidaz: @Rubywax #askruby dear Ruby, do you know of any study or practise of MFness and gardening? Or "outdoor MFness"?thx

Mindfulness is only about being in a state of ‘paying attention’ to whatever is going on ‘in the moment.’ So you can be mindful doing anything if you choose to; cleaning your teeth, picking a weed and even going to the loo. If you’re really tuned into the sensation of a liquid leaving your body - that’s mindfulness.

4. @swishperson: @Rubywax wondered if you've ever tried EFT. Is it useful for depression and how does it fit in with mindfulness? X

If you google EFT it’s about clearing your short circuit in the body’s bioenergy system.
The positive results of mindfulness in terms of depression are based on hard scientific evidence. “Show me the science” is my motto; if I can’t see it, smell it or taste it, for me it won’t work.

5. @maternalocd: @Rubywax Who gave you your courage, Ruby? Was it an eclectic group over time or one person?

No one gave me any courage. I doubt it’s even giveable. I was told I ‘d never get anywhere as a child, if that isn’t fuel for making you push even harder no matter how fearful or humiliating the situation nothing is.

Attention is like a spotlight and what it illuminates streams into your mind, so developing control over it is the most powerful way to shape your brain.

I can hear you say, ‘What’s with attention? I pay it when I cross the street.’ No, for most of us, we are there physically but our attention could be in Sri Lanka. We don’t naturally pay attention, we have to learn it (a glitch in evolutionary development). The tragedy of most of our lives is that we’re asleep at the wheel and no one tells us how to wake up. They say to kids at school, ‘Pay attention’. How would they know how to do that? No one teaches them.

Scientists now have the technology to be able to trace what people’s eyes focus on when they scan a room. Who or what an individual seeks out is based on genes, chemicals, culture, relationships and experience. What your eyes fasten onto is where your mind is in any one moment. Some people enter a room and zoom in on a daddy figure (nice but not sexy) or a sugar daddy (same, but with expensive shoes).

We become the character we are at any particular moment depending on what we focus on. On the golf course, swinging the club, you’re a sportswoman. In bed in your nightie, you might be a sex kitten. With your kids you may be Mother Goose. (God help you if you ever get these roles confused.) These identities are all transitory; they come and go depending on which metaphorical clothes you wear and for what occasion.

The skill required to tame your mind is to be able to inhibit your attention on certain things and intentionally take your focus to others. This is self-regulation, becoming the captain of the ship, steering your attention where you want it to be. An expert at self-regulation would be able to stay calm even in the face of my mother during one of her episodes.  Mindfulness helps me tame the thoughts that flutter around my brain like moths on cocaine. 

Originally published by the Bishopsgate Institute, where I'll be talking on 9th May as part of the Troublemakers?  series.