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For Alan Rickman

25/1/2016

6 Comments

 
I just opened  at The Arts Theatre in the West End (my show, Sane New World runs until 13 February). I've toured this show for a few years around the UK but when the press come there's always a sickness in the stomach because you know that, with one swift negative scribble of the plume, it could get very painful and shaming - and yet you still have to show up. Anyway, I love my show and would come see it if I wasn't in it. This is an unusual thing for me to say as I'm not usually very flattering about myself but after about 200 performances, I think I might have nailed it.

When I started doing one woman shows 30 years ago, Alan Rickman directed me. I met him at the Royal Shakespeare Company where the actors on stage threw spit balls of notes at me while I was mid-performance, telling me that I should reconsider being an actress and to maybe think about an alternative career. It wasn't pleasant. Alan told me to write the way I spoke and thought, so I just let it rip on paper with wild abandon. When I handed him my tome covered in food stains he said it was like someone had vomited on him, but he edited it somehow and shaped it into a show. He directed my first piece while we were still in the RSC. We invited Trevor Nunn and all the other actors and directors to watch and suddenly I went from playing houseplants to speaking parts. (I still wasn't any good at acting but I think I was fun to have around.)

The show I wrote back then went to off-Broadway and I cast Americans in the roles. Alan refused to come because he was building his own career but I made several actresses cry and they refused to do my show unless Alan came and directed it. He did. He directed and mentored me on pretty much everything I did all those years ago; television, live shows, comedy scripts, films. I remember, he would give me hell while I was doing my one woman shows, telling me to not be so desperate because it showed in my eyes. He called them hatchet eyes; expressing excess neediness and fear. He told me to play myself and since I didn't know who that was I played a grinning, trying to be funny, loud American. The less people laughed, the louder I got. Alan would often do my lines and make me scream with hysterics, collapsing onto the floor, he was that good at comedy and timing. I often tried to imitate how he'd do it when I performed but it just confused people. During all those shows he'd give me the same note. "Don't try so hard." Finally, now, after many decades, I can be 'not desperate' on stage. It feels like I can let go of trying to please but still be aware there's an audience. I think now he might be proud.

He died last week and it's more heart-breaking than anything I've felt before. I feel like my insides have been gouged out and nothings left. He formed me and saved me. When my father used to come to the UK and bury me in verbal criticism, it was Alan who told him to 'lay off', who told him that I wasn't such a 'sad sack' as he called me but that I was very talented and would make it. My father rolled his eyes. If it wasn't for Alan I would never have thought of writing comedy, I would have had to return to my home, to my parents in the US and I know that would have broken me. I know that by now I'd be either institutionalised, heavily medicated or dead. I have to thank him and can't.


Ruby's new book - A Mindfulness Guide For The Frazzled - is out now and available in all good bookshops, as well as online. Be the first to find out more here.
​

Don't miss out on the last chance to see her Sane New World show - at the Arts Theatre in London until Feb 13 2016.
6 Comments
Stella
25/1/2016 11:16:17 am

You did thank him. And I'm sure he is proud.

Reply
arwen garza
23/8/2020 05:39:20 am

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Reply
Jo Spiller
29/1/2016 06:38:37 pm

First of all, you...I just watched your Ted talk, and thank God, you know. Thank you, thank you, for just, breathing in and out. What a shine.
Listen to this: I went to R.A.D.A, was one term behind Alan, and knew him so very well.(I adored going there.Oh, I did, and will always feel it was the most glorious honor.) Impeccable class and total madness, both of you. Shatter glass I can say all this because I'm old, well, ish, and "Who brings footsteps into a building?:"and "If the devil had Tourette's that's what it would sound like," can only come from the wild heart of a 'good, it's you' member of my tribe. I can breathe out. It's like I've found family.

Reply
Jo Spiller
29/1/2016 06:42:52 pm

Reply
Melanie Jackson link
21/6/2017 06:28:17 am

Dear Ruby… I can't imagine him being anything but proud of you. I've been dealing with depression since I was a teenager. I went through a whole parade of pills and doctors and terrible things and no one understood. It was extremely lonely and painful. For you to be so brave and willing to put yourself out there to help people with the same illness...well, it's like a shining light for us. You're right, there is so much shame in this disease. How we treat and talk to ourselves can be torturous. The fact that you can be this honest, and put a comedy twist to this illness is so incredibly healing for the people who also have this but also hopefully healing for you. Alan saw something sparkling in you or he wouldn't have bothered. Thank God he did! Maybe he saw that you were really a great wounded healer and had the gift to see how to help you reach out to others who are afraid and ashamed to even admit they have this. You are here for a reason, and he helped you find the vehicle to shine. What a gift you both were to each other...and all of us.

Reply
arwen garza
23/8/2020 05:39:35 am

get your ex back with a love spell that works fast.
Dr.Jumba   has helped thousands of women get their Ex boyfriends back using his real effective love Spell. After my boyfriend of one year broke up with me, I could barely speak without crying. I felt blindsided and didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I could get him back and the anxiety was unbearable. I needed him back desperately because I loved him so much. So I contacted this great spell caster for help. He helped me cast a return love spell on him and just within 11 hours my boyfriend came back to me crying and begging for my forgiveness. Dr. Jumba released him to know how much I loved and wanted him. And He also opened his eyes to picture how much love we have shared together. As I am writing this testimony right now I am the happiest woman on earth. I want to recommend this great spell caster to anyone that truly needs an urgent solution to a love break up. Email him at   wiccalovespelltools@yahoo.com , wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com  or Call/WhatsApp him:  +19085174108    "I'm so grateful and can say that if you have been broken up with and want to get that person back, Dr.Jumba   is the best! I'll never forget how much he helped me  
  WEBSITE : drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com blog : https://wiccaspelltools.blogspot.com/ 

Reply



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