RubyWax.net
  • Home
  • Tour
    • DVDs
  • Books
    • And Now For The Good News
    • How Do You Want Me?
    • How To Be Human
    • Frazzled >
      • The Film
    • Sane New World >
      • The Film
  • Audible
    • No-Brainer
  • Mental Health
    • Frazzled Cafes
    • TED
  • About
    • Blog
    • Legal / T&Cs
  • Newsletter

Forgiveness Without Tears

28/5/2014

2 Comments

 
I woke up this morning with that agony that fills your body when you're deep in the depths of despair. There are people who think emotional pain isn't as bad as physical pain but here's the rub, there's empirical evidence that physical pain and emotional pain are registered in the exact same region of the brain. In other words, your brain can't tell if you're suffering from heartache or someone stabbed you with a knife and both hurt.

My opinion is that the feeling comes first and then the mind scrapes around for some explanation (usually it's wrong.) It grabs anything that's happened or might happen, "I must be sad because no one answered my email. I feel heart-broken because my daughter didn't get a part in the school play. I hurt because someday I'm going to die. One of those must be the reason for my pain."

So I'm sitting there, literally because I'm doing 20 minutes of mindfulness. I can feel exactly where the pain arises accompanied by my mind working overtime to explain the pain; a part of me knows I'm just in pain and I'm filling in the blank as to why. It could be because of my pervious night's dream or some imagined horror or it could be because I'm slowly coming off my anti-depressants. I'm doing it because I know that there's a 65% chance of preventing relapse for those who practise mindfulness and want to see if I'm in that group. I may not be but for God's sake, I studied it, I should practise what I preach. P.S. I won't feel any shame if I have to go back on them as I know it's nothing personal, I just might be in the minority who need to be medicated.

Later that day, I was supposed to do a Pilate's class and inside I'm going, "No way. I can't do this." I dragged myself up anyway and went to the class. I tried to pay attention to the area I was exercising in my body without my mind dragging me back into endless rumination. To me Pilates is moving meditation in that you focus on a specific area in the body and automatically the voices get quiet. You can't be engaging one of your senses and having a chattering mind at the same time. I can feel how my mind wants to snare me back and I'm gently trying to take my focus back down into my body; it's like a battle.

Near the end of the class, the instructor did something she's never done before. She took hold of my entire leg and told me if it was OK to let it go, let her take the weight. Now, I don't usually trust anyone to take hold of any part of my body but I've known her for 20 years so I thought, "Ok, let's give it to her."

She held it and moved it without my muscles trying to grab it back for a change. Then she held the other leg and I have to say that this surrender, this feeling of being vulnerable was something I've never experienced before. When she placed both legs on the ground it occurred to me how I live my life contracting, holding onto my body most of the time to protect myself. It's similar to when you poke a starfish or insect and it retracts it's extremities. I imagine everyone, maybe without realizing, is holding onto them selves, clenching their muscles around them like armour and probably that constriction is reflected in the mind. Fear could be the reason we contract ourselves physically and mentally. I don't remember a time when I could just lie on the floor and not obey the impulse to get up. My mind usually grabs onto something I have to do immediately accompanied by shame if I just lie there and not move.

As I feel myself sinking into the ground, I get a feeling that slow waves of warm syrup are pouring through me. I then actually feel that burning you get around your eyes when tears well up. I I haven't felt this for decades, probably because of medication. When I start to congratulate myself for these feelings, I lose the sensation and go back into my head. Then when I focus inside again and get that feeling of nothingness, just drifting in warm water I start to hink this could be a sign of coming off medication, this could be that think called 'feelings.' If the sacrifice is to feel pain once in awhile, to get a hit of this sunlight might be worth it.

When I finally got up I realized I had to get to a party (as if the world would stop if I didn't go) a mere hour before getting on the train to Exeter to do my show. I got lost on the way in the car and dripping in sweat I found the venue. I thought it was going to be a small gathering but there was a large roomful of socialites (rich, blonde and thin) all sitting at tables listening to someone talking about the need to feed African people. I thought I was going to a birthday party. I had no idea we were there to save people. I gave my friend the birthday present anyway. (It wasn't her birthday). Everyone laughed thinking I did it to be funny. No, I did it because I didn't want to miss an event in case I would be forgotten. I had to hold myself back from giving myself a spurt of anger because I didn't stay on the floor and just calmly get up in time to catch my train. This becoming aware and breaking old habits is such a hard thing. I just try to forgive myself and think maybe, maybe next time I can stay on the floor a little longer.

2 Comments
Maggy Corkhill link
31/5/2014 11:56:22 pm

Wow well done you for taking a scary step off meds. Make sure you cut yourself some more slack while you're coming off - I found that even after the physical effects had dissipated, that it took some getting used to the emotional side - you know, actually 'feeling' again. You'll know what I mean soon enough and if you're anything like me, you'll find it quite liberating - just don't watch any telly with anything remotely emosh - you'll be a bucket of tears in no time! I had a mere breakdown watching Supervet the other day - but now I'm more 'mindful' it actually felt as if I was actually releasing some of the emotion that I've held back or been numbing for so long - so I just let it wash over me, get it out of my system and you know what? It felt quite good afterwards. I think I've been holding back a tidal wave of emotions for the many years that I've been taking various anti-depressants and now I've been practicing more mindfulness (actually doing a course now!!) I feel more able to accept what I've been trying to bury all of these years. Don't get me wrong - there are still moments that I think I can't cope, but then I remember the tools (a body scan or a 10 minute meditation) and whatever it was that was eating me away seems to have done one - for now anyway. I mean it will continue to be a work in progress right?
Mags x

Reply
arwen garza
23/8/2020 05:58:15 am

get your ex back with a love spell that works fast.
Dr.Jumba   has helped thousands of women get their Ex boyfriends back using his real effective love Spell. After my boyfriend of one year broke up with me, I could barely speak without crying. I felt blindsided and didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I could get him back and the anxiety was unbearable. I needed him back desperately because I loved him so much. So I contacted this great spell caster for help. He helped me cast a return love spell on him and just within 11 hours my boyfriend came back to me crying and begging for my forgiveness. Dr. Jumba released him to know how much I loved and wanted him. And He also opened his eyes to picture how much love we have shared together. As I am writing this testimony right now I am the happiest woman on earth. I want to recommend this great spell caster to anyone that truly needs an urgent solution to a love break up. Email him at   wiccalovespelltools@yahoo.com , wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com  or Call/WhatsApp him:  +19085174108    "I'm so grateful and can say that if you have been broken up with and want to get that person back, Dr.Jumba   is the best! I'll never forget how much he helped me  
  WEBSITE : drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com blog : https://wiccaspelltools.blogspot.com/ 

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Follow @RubyWax

    Archives

    January 2019
    December 2018
    August 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    November 2016
    May 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    October 2012

    Categories

    All
    #AskRuby
    Depression
    Events
    Mental Health
    Mindfulness
    Tour
    Travel Stories
    Where's The Manual?

    Custom Twitter boxes

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.