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Frazzled Cafes

18/5/2016

49 Comments

 
High up in a room overlooking Paddington Basin, with hot coffee and Jammie Dodgers to hand, the doors opened yesterday on my first Frazzle Café, admitting 30 or so men and women who ranged from feeling frazzled (not just stressed but thinking about stress) to experiencing mental health concerns to having someone in the family or a friend or co-worker affected by depression and anxiety and simply not knowing what to do. Until now – none of them had anywhere they could just turn up and find some anonymous peer-to-peer support.
We live in a time where to have a life crammed to the hilt is considered a success story. But with all this pressure, so many of us have no-where to go to meet and talk about it.
So yesterday, it was remarkable to watch as one after another of these people bravely come forward to share their stories. Just calmly, sitting in a circle in the café, stating their case, and feeling validated as a result. Feeling heard to me has always been half the cure. 
It was everything I had hoped for and more when I came up with the idea for Frazzle cafes five years ago. Of fulfilling my dream to start walk-ins where people have a chance to talk honestly without feeling stigmatised self-indulgent or weak.
The idea came from my Sane New World Tour, which I began after gaining a Masters’ degree in cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness from Oxford in 2011, and writing a book of the same name. The second half of the show I asked the audience if they wanted to speak and they always did.
I performed for 200 shows in theatres of 700-800 capacity - and in the second half I offered the audience the chance to speak, and fond I couldn’t shut them up. Moreover, once a week when I was in the West End, I opened the theatre to the public for free walk in sessions with great speakers and therapists which the audience could make contact with.
Honestly, the show was funny, but I think they would have come without any jokes.  They were instinctively reaching out and networking with each other, often turning up to several shows and events and meeting again.
I could feel and see a real need for some kind of space where anyone with a mental health concern could connect with this peer-to -peer support. In my head, it was looking more and more like a sort of AA to help us get through the overwhelming stresses of modern life.
This isn’t just for the one in four Britons who will suffer a mental illness at some point in their lives, or who are family to someone who does, or who work in mental healthcare. But for the ‘four in four’ - who feel they are cracking from the pressure cooker of life. Too exhausted keeping up the front of being fine – and feeling frustrated with that.
Because who isn’t in  a state of stress overload these days? Stress upon stress, and thinking about stress on top of that. So as I was also writing my mindfulness book called Frazzled, the name for the cafes was pretty self-evident. It is also so much easier to say I feel frazzled, than to say I feel depressed, or anxious, or mentally ill, all of which are still such stigmatised things.  
Ending the taboo around mental health is all important. Because right now, if you do feel your mental health isn’t great, you may worry about telling your employers or friends, especially if you are saying I need to go for therapy for an hour.  You may fear getting judged and sometimes with good reason – according to Mind on in five of those who have taken their employer into their confidence about their problems with mental health is soon fired or pushed out of their jobs.
But, trust me, if you can’t ever get to a place where you can express yourself to others, well, that way madness really does lie. Everyone – however stiff their upper lip happens to be - gets what you mean if you say I feel frazzled and I need a break.
I see the benefit of these Frazzle cafes is that whenever we’re all a little bit more open about mental health that lessens the overall prejudice.
That was true yesterday as we opened the doors at  the Frazzle café in Paddington – where the two sessions we held were a pilot scheme. Strangers who had applied via a mailing list, compiled from audiences who came to my shows, opened up about themselves quite quickly, responding to the warm, positive and safe atmosphere. This common thread of feeling isolated can be pretty powerful in uniting people. That experience of meeting face to face is important and with our mental health services stretched to breaking point and it can be hard to see a therapist on the NHS. Many people simply don’t believe they can go to talk, to get affordable help.
Meanwhile, everyone else – the frazzled at large – are often separated from family and the old connections of church, we’re emotionally blocked off and in real danger of  stress wiping us out.
My hope is that these cafes, if they take off,  will be one solution.  It’s still early days – we need to work out branding, marketing and organisation details, but Marks & Spencer has already generously offered places to host meetings. They’re suggesting quiet rooms with coffee on a trolley, by the way, not the middle of a crowded café on the shop floor, which would feel a little exposed, let’s be honest.
Each meeting will be led by a facilitator, to ignite conversation, there’ll be a loose order – a little mindfulness to start and end the meeting, a coffee break in the middle. And there’ll be someone who works in the mental health field always present for support, and lots of contact details for support groups to hand. 
I hope people to leave feeling they are part of something bigger than themselves.
Certainly yesterday’s clientele was enthusiastic, with many talking about how they wanted to wanting to help set up cafes close to their homes, in schools and at the office. At first, I imagine each group will feel fairly random in terms of what elements of health are discussed, but I can envisage more niche groups getting established, like teens taking exams, or families where depression is present.  Thirty feels the right size for now – it is possible to sit back a little in a group that size if you are worried about feeling exposed. But smaller groups might naturally emerge. I can see buddy systems developing too.
In 200 shows with 700 people in the audience each time, we’ve never had an awkward or uncomfortable incident so far. People really listened to each other because they recognised their own tribe and only want to give support.
This is my chance to give back. And yesterday’s meeting turned out just as I thought it would. When I led the mindfulness session at the end, I could feel we’d let the heat out of the pressure cooker for some. Because, while there many not be a single solution to the stress of modern life, to be able to look each other in the eye and say, yes, I know how you feel and its OK is at least a start.

First published in the Telegraph 17 May 2016

To find out more about the Frazzled Cafes and receive information about future sessions, sign up here


49 Comments
Paul Johnson link
19/5/2016 05:20:29 am

I love the idea of the Frazzled Café and would love to help spread the idea further if/when you are ready. I am based in the Lake District, North of England. I suffered and came through depression only when I was around people who understood what I was going through and helped me realise I was far from alone.

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Paul Johnson link
19/5/2016 05:20:38 am

I love the idea of the Frazzled Cafe and would love to help spread the idea further if/when you are ready. I am based in the Lake District, North of England. I suffered and came through depression only when I was around people who understood what I was going through and helped me realise I was far from alone.

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Paul Johnson link
19/5/2016 05:21:20 am

I love the idea of the Frazzled Cafe and would love to help spread the idea to the North of England. I suffered and came through depression only when I was around people who understood what I was going through and helped me realise I was far from alone.

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Susann Savidge
20/5/2016 04:16:25 am

I have experience of working with victims of crime from minority groups depression, isolation ,lack of social network ,difficulties trust issues in belonging to a community, confidence and low self esteem . In the 18 years of doing this work I have gained a substantial amount of skill, knowledge and experience.

I was made redundant from my job as the charity closed. I feel very strongly that middle aged women ( like me ) are at risk of mental health issues and need to be recognised in terms of employment . What a waste not to more productively use them in initiatives like the Frazzled cafes. I would be very interested given my organisational skills in coordinating -sourcing ,organising venues, publicising , recruiting and staff and liaising and assisting facilitators. I am very creative and have lots of ideas . I am hard working . I have been chair of a charity for 5 years and have been instrumental in the development of the organisation.

I would be grateful if you could consider me in the exiting development of this initiative

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Tracey
23/5/2016 03:30:57 am

I think Frazzled Cafes are a most brilliant idea and would love to know how to get involved if you're looking for facilitators to help get the project rolling........exciting

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Michael Boltwood
1/6/2016 05:08:25 am

I saw Ruby two days ago give a fantastic presentation at the Hay literary festival. I added my name to her list of people wanting to help with this much needed initiative. I relate very closely with reference to the lack of support from employers (government in my case) having been pushed out and fired. Immediately prior to this I had spent several weeks at the Priory and amongst the many things that I learnt at the time, I learned that I should decide how much I was willing to be pushed by others and organisation. However my limit of what I was prepared to discuss with my government employer was less than their rules stated I should, so they fired me. Until seeing this article I had always blamed myself for this. So once again thank-you Ruby.

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Metie
6/6/2016 12:47:53 pm

It is an excellent idea. Isolation is the most difficult thing to bear. The mind has a mind of its own and it doesn't always listen to reason. Despite countless reports being written about the damage loneliness does to our health so far nobody has done anything practical about bringing people together. Thank you for trying to do something about it.

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Ellie link
20/6/2016 02:21:36 am

Dear Ruby,

I recently attended your show and was very moved by it. I'd like to donate teas to your walk in centres, please let me know if this is possible. I created the tea after suffering depression myself so this is very close to my heart. Please have a look at the website - www.positivitea.london

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

Ellie

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Rachel
18/10/2016 09:45:43 am

I think the Frazzle Cafes would work well with co-facilitation; one facilitator being a trained professional, the other being a person with lived experience of 'frazzle.'

I am willing to get involved when the first one happens in Exeter.

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Rachel
18/10/2016 09:46:05 am

I think the Frazzle Cafes would work well with co-facilitation; one facilitator being a trained professional, the other being a person with lived experience of 'frazzle.'

I am willing to get involved when the first one happens in Exeter.

Reply
Rachel link
18/10/2016 09:47:20 am

I think the Frazzle Cafes would work well with co-facilitation; one facilitator being a trained professional, the other being a person with lived experience of 'frazzle.'

I am willing to get involved when the first one happens in Exeter.

Reply
Rachel
18/10/2016 09:47:39 am

I think the Frazzle Cafes would work well with co-facilitation; one facilitator being a trained professional, the other being a person with lived experience of 'frazzle.'

I am willing to get involved when the first one happens in Exeter.

Reply
Lucy Ng
7/12/2016 07:35:13 am

I run a cafe set up to support the local with their journies with mental health. It opened its doors to the public in August 2014. The numbers and results of those we have supported are amazing.
The Coffee Lovers cafe cafe ( mental health in a cup) on 268 Wandsworth Road SW8 2JR

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Anthony
4/1/2017 02:21:54 am

Hi Ruby, I love the idea of your Frazzle Cafes. Getting our minds in order, not dismissing ourselves, is so important whatever age or sex. I did some mindfulness at our local Buddhist Centre and the breathing and concentration exercises were wonderful. Would love to help in any what should you be opening g one in Suffolk.

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Josi
12/1/2017 09:03:28 am

Hello Anthony,
Where are you based in Suffolk? A friend of mine is aiming to set up a frazzle-cafe in Beccles... are you nearby?
Best wishes,
Josi

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Shez
5/1/2017 02:52:57 am

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LISA STEPTOWE
5/1/2017 02:57:00 am

I think frazzle cafe is a brilliant idea, I live in Welwyn Garden City and we do have a Marks and Sparks

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jaqueline Manning
5/1/2017 07:45:33 am

Great Idea saw you Ruby on the Wright Stuff this morning and I would love to be of some assistance to you in any form..I have been a writer and carer of people for many many years and I still love doing it all ages and colour from al walks of life come to me and I have needed help at times myself in my formative years..Brilliant Idea

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hazel collins
6/1/2017 09:36:50 am

Having suffered for over 25 years and being drug free for 4. Years any support would be great. I could also volunteer for cafe duties I live near pocklington east riding

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David Lawton
6/1/2017 09:50:44 am

Sounds a very interesting concept
We don't have a dedicated place to go after the mindfulness session in Oxford !
Are there plans for a Frazzle cafe in Oxford ?at

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Elinor link
6/1/2017 12:52:05 pm

We have a peer support group which aims to meet this kind of need for people with Aspergers Syndrome - who often suffer from the effects of social isolation and/or anxiety. I'd be interested in helping when you get a Frazzle cafe going in Plymouth.

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Adam Thomson
7/1/2017 04:27:19 am

I was extremely excited to hear of this project as i have struggled with depression and anxiety and had support from such groups in the past.
I have a diploma in person centered counselling and I have been working with young people in schools and online for 3 years now and have also counselled adults and would love to participate in one of your Frazzled cafes should you manage to set one up near Exeter, Taunton or Cullumpton. So happy mental health is being highlighted more in the media.
Great work Ruby

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Carol
18/1/2017 10:40:06 am

Would be v interested in helping /attending a frazzled cafe in Scottish Borders should one ever open :-)

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Sarah
19/1/2017 04:32:10 am

I would love to attend a cafe event up north in liverpool. My story is not something I can openly talk about. I have to be mindful of the shock it may cause, it's not a typical issue that is talked about in our everyday lives.
I have used mindfulness to help my daughter. Throughout our journey I have learnt how very little support there is for children who have experienced trauma. Once formalities were dealt with, I felt like life was passing by but saw my daughter mentally static unable to move on.
No support/very little councelling offered with an 18month waiting list from camhs. As a family we have in a nutshell given my daughter therapy.
I don't know if I've done the right thing, but I simply couldn't do nothing.
We have used writing, art, music, yoga, activities and alot of talking.
This is a wonderful idea to bring mindfullness into people's lives xxxx

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Rosie Brennan
2/2/2017 08:12:01 am

I love this idea would love if ye came to our area I'm from Kilkenny, Ireland love mindfulness and really think this is a great idea and would be willing to help in anyway ...

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Joey Yandell
16/3/2017 04:08:55 am

Hello. I would like to help with Frazzled Cafes as I ave had the same idea for some time - I even hosted small events with friends and other peers at London cafes. I have a GREAT interest in this project and I would be so grateful if I could jump on board and help?

I hope I can speak to someone regarding opportunities. Thank you. : )

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Ruth Dowsett link
18/3/2017 12:43:10 am

I have been facilitating a project in Cheltenham since 2012 in the name of YourSpace. YourSpace have weekly meetings for people who are struggling with their emotional well-being. In October 2016 Sainsburys in Cheltenham offered us the use of their Café out of hours free of charge for our meetings. YourSpace has been offering support to frazzled folks since 2012 just wanted to get it out there. :-)

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Christine wheeler
20/3/2017 03:29:53 pm

Are there any cafes in Suffolk around ip33 area or is it early days and only in London?

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Lelly
20/3/2017 03:36:02 pm

None in Scotland???

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Caroline Billington link
22/3/2017 03:38:04 am

I set up an initiative call Coffee Companions last year to create connections, building healthier communities, by letting others know when their company would be welcome - starting with a cup of coffee. It is intended for anyone, anywhere at anytime so is not as focussed as Frazzled Cafes but it is hoped that its very accessibility will enable people to get together at a time to suit them, when they need companionship. Or indeed to go into a public space but maintain their space/privacy. It all revolves around the use of Chat Mats which are double sided - a green side with ‘Say Hello’ on it and a red side saying ‘Not Today’. They can be downloaded for free off our website. If locations want to run a Companions Hour (like a Frazzled Cafe but less structured) they can but my greatest hope is that this enables anyone, anywhere, at anytime to have more control over their social contacts.

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Nicky Forsythe link
23/3/2017 03:01:50 am

Very interesting - well done! We are doing something similar at Talk for Health. We teach people therapy skills so they can engage in effective lay group support. This has been shown to be as effective as therapy. There is a good paper by Christensen & Jacobsen (1994) explaining why lay people can be as effective as therapists. Not to make therapists redundant - but we need more of this kind of thing to ensure maximum numbers can benefit from therapeutic talk in a sustainable way.

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Chrissie Tiedeman
8/5/2017 02:40:35 am

Caught Ruby Wax show Frazzled last night at DERBY .....fantastic and so passionately delivered... thanks Ruby for making stress normal and opening a huge number of people to possible other ways of being all done with such a light heart..mindfulness doesn't have to be dull it can as Ruby reminded me be fun and pure joy. So thanks Ruby what a gift, even as I did my morning meditation I sat with a smile remembering the exercise mindful sketch....🤗

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Zahra
10/5/2017 03:56:57 am

Can I please join your mailing list

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Geraldine Jolliffe link
3/8/2017 10:37:16 am

I have had depression for 50 years and have tried various treatments and none have worked I feel that I have to live with it the best treatment I had was cbt which not everyone does this I try and do things I like making things and painting it does help to a point and it is good that people are speaking about mental health these days.

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Shirley Samways link
20/4/2018 01:16:04 am

Cafe in Dorset would like to contribute to a Frazzle opening greatly needed in this area

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kathy humphry
20/4/2018 09:03:35 am

Do you have a frazzle cafe in or near Dundee, Perth or Inverness?

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Karen
20/4/2018 10:08:04 pm

This sounds kind a fab idea and I would live to come along to a cafe and perhaps facilitate one in the future.

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Marg Cooney
20/10/2018 08:05:52 am

Attending two Frazzled cafe sessions stopped me wanting to harm myself - it's s kind, safe and non judgemental space. If only more people would go to it. It is so safe and so so supportive. We need more of them and thank you Marks and Spencers for holding them.

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sharon Jmaes link
14/1/2019 01:10:49 am

Hi Guys,
What an amazing concept ! love it. I would like to know more information about helping set up the cafes. I live in Dubai and it would very much welcome this knd if concept. I have collaborations with the health industry and individules who can help make this a new location.
Cant wait to hear from you.

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9/4/2020 01:03:05 pm

Brilliant on Question Time Ruby....Well Done. X

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$45,000-------------$1350
$50,000-------------$1500

Western Union/Money Gram Transfer
Walmart Transfer
Removing of name from debit record and criminal
Account top-up
Bitcoin Investments
We can also help you hack into any software you wish or want us to hack into and help you retrieve your bitcoin account password or hack into any bitcoin wallet..

Do contact for more info and also on how you are going to get your order..
Order yours today via Email: Gmail-Compose mail to: hennager4040@gmail.com
Hangouts: hennager4040@gmail.com
TEXT: +1917 999 1112

Hennager Peter.

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