RubyWax.net
  • Home
  • Tour
    • DVDs
  • Books
    • And Now For The Good News
    • How Do You Want Me?
    • How To Be Human
    • Frazzled >
      • The Film
    • Sane New World >
      • The Film
  • Audible
    • No-Brainer
  • Mental Health
    • Frazzled Cafes
    • TED
  • About
    • Blog
    • Legal / T&Cs
  • Newsletter

Not Good News

22/9/2013

32 Comments

 
Okay here’s a little sampler of what depression isn’t; it isn’t because something bad has happened in your life. I am a living example of that myth put to bed. Nothing bad happened, as a matter of fact I just graduated from Oxford on Monday; this should be every Christmas that ever was wrapped together in the world of self esteem. That ‘I’m so happy I could burst thing’ lasted one day, today is Friday and I’ve recognized only this morning that I am going down the rabbit hole of sanity.  Even I, who thinks I’m such an expert on those who are mentally unwell took a full 3 days to realize my thoughts are turning sick and vindictive  that comes with the infection of depression. 

Thoughts are the signals of the illness, there’s no other way to recognize it. There is no lump, no rash, no scar as proof, only warped, vicious thoughts. They start off rational enough then I start looking through my contacts list at how many people I know and then decide I need to call them all immediately.  I do this probably out of extreme fear that I’m disappearing and will shortly be forgotten by everyone in the world.  I feel death is imminent (another bad sign).  I start with a few ‘how are you’ calls and then like a flood-gate opening, they become obsessive; I call people while I’m driving, sitting on the loo, shaving my legs and cutting them by accident because my  hand is dialing on the phone. I’ve also started to answer every email that’s ever been written to me for no apparent reason, hoping they won’t be answered so I don’t have to answer them back.

I could tell I needed to call a doctor because this morning after insisting on an x-ray for everything I went to pick up my glasses from the shop at 7 in the morning and parked outside waiting for it to open on a double yellow line with the blinkers going and trucks honking at me to pass the one lane road. While I was sitting there meditating I realized I needed help so I’m going to the doctor now.  There is solace in this that I am aware the black dog is back but may only stick around for a little while; at least I know and that’s a gift.

32 Comments
H
22/9/2013 06:47:03 am

Massive hugs from someone who knows what it is like to enter the black hole with no apparent reason for doing so. xx

Reply
C
22/9/2013 06:55:19 am

Congratulations on your graduation! I really hope you feel better soon x

Reply
MM
22/9/2013 06:57:59 am

*Gives a hug*

Reply
Suzie
22/9/2013 07:00:13 am

Sending lots of love x

Reply
Jill
22/9/2013 07:08:11 am

Stay strong you will be ok

Reply
Sheila
22/9/2013 07:09:53 am

Massive hug to you Ruby! X

Reply
Sarah
22/9/2013 07:10:53 am

Thank You.

Reply
Rachel Blake
22/9/2013 07:12:37 am

Thank you for sharing, love and hoping that black dog is back in his kennel quickly X

Reply
SSeS
22/9/2013 07:13:52 am

"It's ok to not be ok as long as your not giving up"
Hope the storm clouds pass soon - big hugs x

Reply
Suzie
22/9/2013 10:13:16 pm

I love that. Ty x

Reply
Aitchtheace
22/9/2013 07:29:09 am

The cloud descends. After a time it lifts. Between times just be.
Heartfelt hugs xxx

Reply
Susanna
22/9/2013 07:32:02 am

I think you are a brilliant shining star.

Reply
Liza Brown
22/9/2013 07:34:09 am

I've been told I'm a horrible person, annoying and negative today about ten times. Its because there's a great big black dog barking in my ears.

I know how you feel Ruby.
The depression could be triggered by a feeling of anticlimax ( a big crash after a burst of adrenaline) -- on the other hand you'll now more about yourself than a total stranger like me.

Take care and do what you have to do for yourself.

Reply
Beth Weindruch Prystowsky link
22/9/2013 07:36:34 am

I am Harriet's grand daughter and some how related to you. I know she and many others love you and hope you can find the light in the darkness.

Reply
G Matt
22/9/2013 07:40:03 am

Thank you Ruby Wax! You are inspiring me to finally get out there and do something about my own depression. So damn debilitating, destructive and difficult. So much so, I was so messed up and depressed I got my graduation date wrong for my BSc in Psychology 3 years ago…. It's time to be brave, speak up and out and repair. Thank you for inspiring me to gain the strength - I still have difficulty forgiving myself for the graduation date screw up - I worked so hard for that degree and then too ashamed to admit my mistake due to anxiety and depression…. thank you for helping find the gumption to face it.

Reply
Alan Roper
22/9/2013 07:58:10 am

I suffer like you but i havent felt the need for medical intervention again i have tryed to kerp this msg going because every time i stop it wont let me carry on due to mindfulness i keep calm and bhjhghgh

Reply
C Wilks
22/9/2013 08:00:04 am

The light will return! Hang on in there x

Reply
Alan ( Big Al)
22/9/2013 08:04:35 am

Cheers anxiety also comes with depression

Reply
Annette
22/9/2013 08:06:16 am

Hi Ruby That's the crappy bit, isn't it. One second you're good, then you're so down you can't see over the rim of the hole you've dug yourself into.

I've just come home from taking my 36 year old daughter to work after going over to her place at 2.30 am as she phoned me because she was having an anxiety attack. She cried and said it's not fair. She shouldn't have to go through this. There's very little to do but hold her and let her know you'll always be there for her. Her partner doesn't understand and if it hasn't happened to you, it must be very hard.

So thank you Ruby, please know how much you have done for me. I have always admired you so much and didn't realise you were just like me. This site and the admission of so many makes me feel "amongst my peeps". My first mindfulness session with a psychologist is next Monday. Like you, I keep trying to stem the tide. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to let you know how much you do for so many people. I know when you're down, it doesn't sink in, but as you climb out, please know how many people you have helped. Kind regards Annette

Reply
Alan ( Big Al)
22/9/2013 08:10:31 am

Is there a sense of satisfaction when you suss something that was giving you stress and anxiety yes there is but having to continually type without s break causes the problems that most people who have a mental illness

Reply
Kitty Quinn link
22/9/2013 08:12:39 am

Get well soon Ruby. With all the excitement this week with your graduation, it is not unexpected that your mood can suddenly drop or change. You have invested so much of yourself over the last few years into this Masters, and now that it is over and you have graduated....it could be maybe a bit of an anti-climax or just take time to readjusting. Don't forget all the wonderful skills and techniques you have learnt over the last few years that have helped you so far. And don't forget you are helping so many others on this journey you have taken. And don't forget that you are coming over to Dublin soon and I look forward to meeting you in person! Hugs, Xx Kitty

Reply
Judy
22/9/2013 09:47:11 am

Full moon , big event ... stress.. you are very honest and that encourages me to be.. I trust you come through... this well. ps Your share is endearing to me .. and 'others' too.. and don't feel obliged to answer .. unless it is about Canoeing.. ( which i have never done. ) love, Judy

Reply
Jilly Fee
22/9/2013 01:38:47 pm

Well done you know the signals. Xo xo xo

Reply
Leisa Smith link
22/9/2013 03:39:05 pm

Sending and big hug and support dear Ruby. Having one of those days myself today. Brilliant you know the signs of 'stinkin' thinkin'' and are getting some assistance. With love, and thanks for all that you do. x

Reply
Nettie
22/9/2013 08:44:25 pm

I really hope that you climb out of the abyss very soon. I am currently circling it again & fighting it hard after a lengthy recovery from a psychotic episode complete with hallucinations in front of friends on holiday which was caused by a bad reaction to some medication - unfortunately some friends handled it better than others & some are still freaked out & distant, which adds to my distress that my worst nightmare of people seeing me like that coming true. But I'm still standing!

Reply
Nicholas Williamson
22/9/2013 08:48:15 pm

Reply
Alexandra Donald link
22/9/2013 09:55:31 pm

I can sympathise Ruby. My mood went off a cliff in May for no reason whatsoever and it took me and my psychiatrist ten weeks to get me back on an even keel. As you well know, there's nothing constructive I can say other than grit your teeth and hang on in there. It will pass and you will experience contentment again. Such a horrible thing to go through though. Hugs.

Reply
Blanche Wedderburn link
23/9/2013 04:56:23 am

Lived with my darling late mother's years of torment. Felt helpless to help her. She self weaned herself off medication, but, boy she struggled at times. It is hard for the people who love the sufferer, but their love is stronger than the dark. Take care Rubes. X

Reply
Howard
23/9/2013 05:43:25 am

Ruby,

Please remain strong as you are my true and utter inspiration!! No one has put into words what depression is truly, truly, truly like prior to you and your very compulsive book. Just remember that everything in life is just temporary! Food for thought? xx

Reply
GC
23/9/2013 06:16:51 pm

Keep your chin up girl. It will pass.

Reply
ddoodles
24/9/2013 02:13:34 am

yep, same colour, different dog.

Reply
conrad
5/3/2014 04:10:53 am

Hi Ruby.. been fan for quite a while and love the work you do. Looking forward to reading your book & seeing your show.. not come at a better time... see you in Port Talbot.. x x

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Follow @RubyWax

    Archives

    January 2019
    December 2018
    August 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    November 2016
    May 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    October 2012

    Categories

    All
    #AskRuby
    Depression
    Events
    Mental Health
    Mindfulness
    Tour
    Travel Stories
    Where's The Manual?

    Custom Twitter boxes

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.