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On Depression

8/12/2014

35 Comments

 
Ever since my departure from America where I was launching/pimping my book, I've slowly descended into what some call 'the black dog'. I call it depression. Unlike past bouts, I could feel this one growing; creeping up on me like a thief stealing my personality.

There were many contributing factors while I was on my 'press tour' in the US. Someone arranging my tour, who shall remain nameless - probably with serious anger issues (I never met her) - kept sending me to the wrong airlines so I missed various planes and found I wasn't booked in hotels I should have been booked in. The last few days in the States were spent giving myself pep talks, too afraid of going out but forcing myself to go out but not always knowing where I was going. All sense of direction and memory are sucked from your brain as those who share this disease with me know. Other horrors happened out there (sometimes you hit a toxic vein where everything gets poisoned): my computer got wiped. I ran from one Apple genius bar to the next in three different cities and not one of the geniuses could get it to work. Finally, I sent it to a data expert who informed me casually that everything was wiped; always a bowel-moving moment to hear that. Also, my phone broke so I have to make all new friends and my suitcases are still trying to figure out which country they're supposed to be in.

Anyway, I finally got out via Copenhagen where I was booked to do a show for people who, it turns out, didn't really speak English (always a good audience). When I got home I had to take to my bed for a few days due to shock. I knew I had to get up on day four because I'd been contracted months earlier to do a talk in Norway and the policy, I think, is if you don't show up you'll be sued. It gets a bit hazy at this point but I flew to Oslo and took then another smaller plane to some town whose name had a lot of crossed o's dots over the u's (Nordic talk). Whatever the name of the place, it was above the Arctic Circle. I was picked up in complete darkness during a hurricane and put in a hotel designed in that Scandinavian minimal style; white wood floor with nothing on it. My suite, a long white wooden floor with a plant, was cold. They had never heard of room service so I went into the restaurant and stole food like a squirrel. The sun never rose, not at 10 in the morning or 1 in the afternoon; never. The wind howled all night and the rain pelted on my windows. It was like standing under Niagara Falls with a piece of aluminum foil over your head. At that point, even with the depression looming, I started to laugh. It felt like a tiny space or chink in my brain opened up and let in some light as a joke formed. I could see what was funny about all this. There I was in this depressing atmosphere, talking to about 600 people about depression, who were probably depressed. When I was going out to give my speech just across the street, they told me not to bother with an umbrella because the wind wouldn't just turn it inside out, it would turn me inside out. As soon as I stepped out my new luggage blew out of my hands. My eyes froze. When I got back to London they lost my new bags, telling me they had been sent to Copenhagen for no apparent reason.

So I'm sitting here now in my bedroom feeling the darkness descend blocking out all thought. At least practicing mindfulness I'm able to separate myself a little from the abusive thoughts, which are trying to bomb me to total destruction. An example of how pathetic and poisonous the thoughts are is that some of my friends went to someone's funeral. I was devastated that I wasn't invited, feeling abandoned. (P.S. I didn't even know the dead person.) I'm not proud of this but these are these kind of thoughts are the sickness. They are the tumor that comes with cancer. But with the mindfulness practice (it isn't a cure but a way of relating differently to the illness) I can say, "There is depression" rather than "I'm depressed." It's the little things that count. I'm trying to ride the wave rather than go under.

Wish me luck.

35 Comments
Paul
17/12/2014 08:27:24 am

Wishing you luck, Ruby. Me and countless others who've been helped by your words. Yes, it's the little things that count. Not easy to remember when you're contending with the crashing waves, but all those techniques you speak of in your book do add up to something much bigger. At least, that's what I kept telling myself when I read your book, in the midst of depression and a paralysing spate of anxiety - the FIRST step towards recovery for me. I'm still recovering, but every time a pathetic circular thought clamps itself onto my brain like a limpet of doom, I have these techniques I can draw upon. Thanks, Ruby. And, all the best to you.

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Jo
18/12/2014 03:00:47 am

Darling Ruby

I wonder if you'll be deluged by responses to responses to your blog post from earlier today. I am sure you will have many lovely people desperate to remind you how brilliant you are. How funnyman and witty and sharp. And I'm sure you will try your hardest to believe every word. But I am also quite sure how hollow you will still feel inside, in spite of every well-meaning missive. I know. I've been there.

I don't want to try to remind you of who you can be when you are free of this stupid, horrible albatross that visits people like you and I all too often to hang heavy from our pathetic necks. I want to remind you to just tread water awhile. That albatross is exhausting to carry around, and you need to conserve your energy. Stop trying to be great for a minute, and just be.

Just be. It's ok. You're ok.

Jo xxx

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Delia
18/12/2014 04:12:43 am

I never really understood the 'black dog' analogy. If I had a real black dog following me around, I'd be really happy even on my dark isolated days. Dogs are great! I too have recently started practicing mindfulness in an attempt to do something different with my depression. I hate that it keeps coming back and I seem powerless to stop it. Mindfulness is helping and it most certainly is the little things that make the difference. Good luck!

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Jerry Yuill, The Recovery Fairy, Illinois Certified WRAP Facilitator
19/12/2014 03:33:43 pm

I've never got that either, Delia. I have a black cat named Nikolas and he is my wellness tool. He has stopped me from self-harm many, many times. There is no way I could leave him alone.

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Nicola
18/12/2014 05:45:03 am

Ruby I am so sorry to hear you are feeling unwell. Seems like poor planning on the tour did not help. Please try and remember your family love you. Life can be a challenge at times.
Take care. I too have suffered from the black dog, which is more like a black pit. Are you taking your meds? Now is time to look after yourself. Eat healthy foods, get enough sleep. Sometimes going for a walk in the fresh air can help. And mindfulness. Life will get better.

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Gill
18/12/2014 08:28:07 am

Ruby I have read your book many times I also have it on audio on my kindle it has saved me several times when I feel that black dog walking with me I read a few chapters or listen on audio it helps to know that there is a reason for the depression I am in control of my Thought my thoughts should not control me Ruby read your book forget that you wrote it read it as a person who needs help xxxxx

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Linda
18/12/2014 01:18:57 pm

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Julie
18/12/2014 03:13:10 pm

This too will pass. Take care of yourself in this moment.

And in this moment.

And in this.

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Ryck
19/12/2014 04:00:59 am

Ruby, On FB you asked how others are coping with their depression.In private I go into zombie mode, or let my OCDs out to play. Not healthy options, but they keep at bay the feeling of "self indulgence" you wrote in your Huffington Post article; that feeling that is like vinegar on a self-critical wound, or sometimes feels like the poking from the playground bully- my alter ego, I cant think of any other way to describe it. Your talent, openess, and empathy has opened the door for many I am sure, and whilst I have no answers to help you through this period, I hope what you are going through right now is surfing that great wave you quoted from Jon Kabat-Zinn.

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beverley angel
19/12/2014 04:18:09 am

This touring blight has contained a catalogue of challenges that would be testing for anyone, let alone those of us with the black dog at our achilles heel. You have survived nevertheless and i raise a glass to your resilience. Healing from ordeals takes time and yet it is inevitable. It's only after the fight we feel the bruises. You remain an inspiration and thanks for having the courage to be so open. We are richer for your existence.

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Jo Ventham
19/12/2014 04:59:40 am

Hi ruby
I was in the audience at your fab show in high Wycombe. I spoke to the audience at the end to share my story of how I recovered from years of severe depression. My turning point was to surrender to it...that did not mean giving up but rather letting go and observing moment by moment. I'm so sorry to hear you are not well at the moment but I'm not sorry for you as I know from personal experience that it is possible to have a lasting recovery. Your nervous system is a very stressed fat caterpillar that has gone into meltdown into a recovery cocoon. Having read how hard you had been working I'm not surprised!Love yourself unconditionally and you will transform into a healthy butterfly. The work of khiron house sounds very interesting in case you have not heard about it. Much love jx

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Vicki
21/12/2014 06:34:02 pm

Hi Ruby
I've always been a big fan of yours but never so much as in the past year, after i read your book, listened to your talks, and saw all the hard work you were doing around depression and mental health.
I'm at the end of a really tough couple of years in the midst of a thick black fog that had been creeping up around me for a long long time. I've come out the other side, and just for now I'm ok. I just wanted to thank you so much for your help in this.

Through your work you coached me through a terrible time of pain that i couldn't even really feel, you explained in a simple but unpatronising way, spoke frankly and openly about your experiences, i think it must have felt like you were a really good friend who had known me for a long time and knew just how to reach me. I only realised that just today when i saw your post, about being back in a really dark place, and i felt gutted.

Your book was the first book i have been able to read in about 3 years. I was in psych hospital when i read it. It was a real breakthrough moment and achievement for me.

There's not much i can say that will help so i just want to say I'm really glad you're reaching out. Keep posting, keep telling us about it. We all get it & we're all here.
With much respect
Vicki xx

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James
22/12/2014 12:25:55 am

Hi Ruby
I get it, I got it and I'm just holding on cause everything is always changing everyday, and today is brand new and nobody knows what it may bring. Hang in and hang on, sending much love x James

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Leah
22/12/2014 07:22:11 am

Ruby, you were probably the most favourite of my favourite strong, funny female role models..so to know your fight , a fight that I grew up to have as well, and probably was already losing, way back in the 80s, at the hands of a non -mother ( something else we share) makes you somehow even more of a bit of a hero of mine. We are all varying degrees of dysfunctional at different times. And those that can deal with the most..do. Somehow. You are dealing with the black dog. Even when it doesn't feel like it. Every day is a victory in this fight. Much love for showing us that xx Leah

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Susan Staines
23/12/2014 03:37:41 am

Hugs, hugs and ........more hugs? Wishing you lots of luck! One day at a time ....... gradually that black cloud will dissipate and leave you. Keep writing that blog ....... It resonates with those of us who suffer these black dog periods and helps us tremendously that someone else can articulate the whole grim experience. Xxx

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Karen V
24/12/2014 07:42:21 am

Ruby I am so sorry you are feeling bad. I know that feeling very well. Sounds like you had a stressful and exhausting schedule which really didn't help.

I hope very much you get lots of nurturing and resting time over the Christmas break. Give yourself lots of love and care and rest and sleep and crap television. Hope the awful thoughts subside soon. Your writing has given people like me (and thousands more besides) great entertainment and comfort and relief and pleasure, I wish we could give it back to you. Sending you warm thoughts and hopes for easier times soon for you, take care of yourself kx

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Nix
24/12/2014 03:08:06 pm

Thank you so much for posting this. It describes perfectly how I have been feeling in the past year. Mine is down to a combination of menopause and exhaustion from trying to everything to everyone for many years. There is nothing more comforting though in this than feeling that you are not alone. The madness lies for me in feeling that everyone else feels their normal self and only I have somehow parked mine in some hellish multi-storey and forgotten on what floor...

I hope it is some comfort to you to know that you are helping others with your searing honesty. It is a really, really brave path, especially to someone in the public eye.

Sending you huge hugs

Nxxx

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Al
26/12/2014 04:21:53 am

Ruby,
You're amazing, phenominal, super smart, caring and more. Watch some of your own videos and interviews and think, "Shit...that's me...I am good....people are doing better because of me". Use your mindfulness. Remember how small and trite the problems you mention are...your phone broke...okay....you'll get a new one. I do know how, when depressed, these small things can feel like massive mountains on one's shoulders. Use your mindfulness practice. You are stronger than your depression! Call a friend...go out...share your story. You will get better!

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Gill
26/12/2014 06:20:33 pm

Ruby, you are a wise and wonderful woman and you have helped so many people with your great book and your talks and tour. Take time for yourself; find some peace and I hope the black dog leaves you soon.

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Ryck
26/12/2014 10:05:46 pm

Ruby, I just read your Huffington Post article - "Still Drowning, Not Waving". Your words - as always, and especially in this article - felt like an adrenalin rush. I have said it before and I will say it again and again, you are helping so many, many more than you will probably ever know because the worst critics of depression are people living with the condition living in the closet so to speak. They may never give you their true names or even under a false name respond to your FB page, but they are listening to you and they are reading your words, and they are rooting for you. I hope the "dictator" you speak of is replaced with someone as fierce, courageous, empathic, and compassionate as the Ruby who speaks to me.

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Julie
28/12/2014 01:22:14 pm

Hi Ruby,
I'm truly gutted to hear about your relapse. Your book was such a tonic for me. Littered with exactly my kind of humour. In fact everything you write I can relate to. One year ago whilst suffering my last bout of depression I decided to keep my beloved sister in tune by emailing 4 short daily accounts of how my life totally changes when that black cloud is shading my sun . She is the one person who truly knows my suffering. Like yourself, I am known for my wit and I will go to any lengths to conceal my inner turmoil. For 2 reasons really. Although my 5 sons and husband are aware of my lapses and are wonderfully supportive they cannot truly understand as thankfully they appear to have been blessed with my husbands genes and I don't want them worrying about me. Secondly, I feel that if people see the 'real' me they will realise I am not who they thought I was and stay away. Of course when I am well I can see how ridiculous that statement is. I have just read those emails again. How weird that I am still me but I can view them as an outsider looking in. Nothing in my life has particularly changed but my perception of everything has. I live from day to day and regularly experience those familiar tummy jitters that all is not well but thanks to you and many other kind souls I think I now understand that nothing is permanent. Just go with it. Bless your heart. You are hilarious, articulate and extremely intelligent and I wish you the best that life can bring for 2015 xx

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Jacks
29/12/2014 05:05:26 am

Dear Ruby, I'm actually the sister of the above poster. I originally drew her attention to you last year when I read a riveting magazine article about your battle with depression and subsequent degree studies. Something about you really resonated with the way I know my sister also experiences life. She subsequently read your book along with countless others and manages to keep her demons at bay with meds alongside her reading. She knows I am always on the alert and ready to support her if she needs me. I saw via facebook last week that you are once again facing a battle and felt I wanted her to read your eloquent piece. It is evidence that reading and understanding about your condition will empower you to face your battle knowing that you do have the strength to overcome. I dread the day my sister returns to that place but I am so thankful that she has chosen to educate herself with mindfulness and meditative techniques. She and you appear to be sister souls - popular and charismatic on the one hand and yet always the other side of the coin is lurking - low self esteem, over analysis, over sensitivity. I'm not sure if any of this will make any difference to how you are feeling Ruby but I just hope that even the tiniest chink of light might shine through and show you the way ahead is brighter. Day after day, I watched my dear sister do battle just to get through. I know how exhausting it all was for her. She did not realise how strong she was being. I think you probably don't realise the strength that you are now once again showing as you face each day. Believe in yourself Ruby. Believe in your strength and believe in the goodness of people who care that will do their utmost to help and support you x

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Katy van Haeften
2/1/2015 09:17:28 am

I found a course called the More to Life weekend transformed the way I think completely and enabled me to shift away from the tyranny of the untamed mind. Check out www.moretolife.org
Every time I read one of your articles, I think that the course would complement the mindfulness you already practise. Wishing you well.

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Luci
14/1/2015 08:02:01 pm

Hi Ruby,

I have been waiting for your next post for a few weeks now and hope against hope that it will tell us that this episode is lifting and you are starting to come back to life. I have suffered from depression for most of my life - my mother also suffers but because she never acknowledged it, neither did I until I was in my thirties. I am now managing with the help of amazing husband and friends and great meds, and if I feel the desolation creeping over me he really 'gets it' and knows I just need to work through it in whatever way works. I admire your honesty and your courage and hope you start to see a little chink of light soon. Thinking of you, Luci x

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Caroline
17/1/2015 05:00:19 pm

Hi Ruby
how are you? Thanks for making my life better. I hope the love expressed by all the folks here gives you strength.

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Sue
20/1/2015 07:19:57 am

I, too, am awaiting your next post. Really hope that life is looking brighter for you. Am re-reading your book to drum into my little head how to follow this art of mindfulness - concentrate on the breath - why is my brain like a butterfly flitting around all the time! Wishing you well.

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ryck
26/1/2015 12:24:45 am

Great news the Black Dog has left the building. Ruby, you do my mind in in a wonderful way: reading your latest article about the moustachioed woman and her puffins cracked me up; the sparks that fly from your writing- I hope one day you make that film that needs to be written, directed, and starring you.

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David
26/1/2015 05:07:36 pm

Hi Ruby,

I only know of you as a comedian, never read any of your books (but will). I just listened to your take on ' what makes us human' on a BBC podcast which has brought me here. I also have one of those miserable childhoods, thankfully without the sausage on a van, does a Mr Softy ice cream van count? Dad once let me eat a whole box of those 99 flakes in one sitting, that's 144 flakes. Ok that's not so bad but there are other things plus I was a Mr Softy myself too sensitive for my own good, throw in a touch of Aspergers and you get the picture. Anyhow it is the same ending as many others. Samaritans helped me plus I have bought into the belief 'I Am', it has helped me tremendously. I am sure you know about this but for me it's the only answer. Mindfulness is extremely important but doesn't give you a reason for life or a connection as a being. Hope you are pulling through. Xxxx

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Julia Reeves link
26/1/2015 09:29:14 pm

Hi Ruby, Maybe you have tried Reiki? My life of depressive episodes culminated in a brain haemorrhage, caused by antidepressants. Ironically, they were working! Anyway, no longer a candidate for drugs, I stumbled into Reiki and have never looked back. My inner saboteur (that confounded voice in my head) is no longer in charge and I have peace. The black dog hasn't been near me since Reiki. Sure, I have my moments, but that's the point...they are moments. no more weeks, months, years of living in a black hole. If you haven't tried it, please give Reiki a chance. You deserve it :)

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Immy Nestorenko
28/1/2015 11:00:28 pm

Dear Ruby,
I am sorry to hear the black dog has been taking a shit on your parade, I hope you're feeling more at ease now. I will not lie, being a 22 year old English girl, I had never heard of you until last night- through the power of youtube TED talks. But after watching that and your piece "On mastering your mind" I felt so consolidated. So much so I wanted to tell you my story which I think sums up exactly what you're talking about, in some kind of hope it might be of use to you as your words were useful not only to personal life, but professional too. Something clicked big time.

About 5 months ago an incident left me with a bad case of RTS 3 days before i started my third year at a circus school for which we began with an exam that toured the UK whilst creating a show, doing the marketing etc.This was entirely stressful.

The way i dealt with the incident was unusual; if i went to the police I would have probably made a good 50 people homeless, as I would have to send them straight into a squatted warehouse. The police are also a bit rubbish with sexual assault so the guy would have gotten off. only 20% of cases are actually investigated properly, and in cases of homosexual females the action of the crime outweighs their perception due to orientation. So police went out the window, but obviously I was fuming, stressed, and thought I was going crazy. Violence only leads to more violence (there is no use in rioting if the chaos isn't direct; if I acted in violence there would be a chance I could put other women in danger by changing his perception of what women are like) I needed to get back to circus world work, this thing i've spent 5 years waiting for.I had never done this before, I am confrontational but not ever like this... I went on adventure, or thats what i told myself. Got him to speak to me, but told him we would talk an altimeter of police vs therapy. By the time i met up with him he was a wreck. So much so I knew there was no need for police and he would probably need the therapy to consolidate his own disgust on the matter. I believe that compassion is what got me through my oscillating breakdowns, I nearly had to leave school. , but also my compassion towards him (I had to be very conscious in a state of disarray) was used as a fighting tool for something much bigger than that single night.
I am still at circus school and currently working on a conceptual show about fight/flight vs compassion. This is inspired by my story but I want to put it in the context of international affairs (Tiananmen Square, Iraq war, I can't breathe protests, etc) So thank you for giving me a neurological language and understanding which I believe will help me in professional and personal aspects. Today I am taking a day off to clear my room and head space, but thanks for letting me know its important to do that too sometimes, giving me the confidence to take the time to consolidate a thing or two... I generally work 8 hour days of acrobatics, conditioning, and clowning (which requires the most energy) so I spend a lot of time in my body. Which is great but to use the phrase "running away with the circus" can also sum up how I deal with the source of my black dog.

Hope this was of interest or use to you, and that your tour in Oz goes down a storm. I really really admire the work you're doing. I will be looking out for U.K dates :)

A new fan

Immy


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Christine
30/1/2015 03:56:09 am

Take care, sweetheart. How you doing? xx

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Sara Jones link
3/2/2015 10:43:30 pm

Hi Ruby, I am a yogi (teacher) who is also an artist, i love to paint & have had many portraits recently commissioned. The Reading Football Club 1st team most recently completed. My site is just being refreshed & i am putting a "Just giving"&on it, i plan to donate portraits to two charities. Your portrait is not on there yet, i can email or tweet it to you. My plan is for all money raised to go directly to Mind and Sport in Mind both fab charities doing great work. I hope you may like to re tweet it or bid for it should you like to, it all helps to do something positive.
Hope you may find this interesting & would like to see your portrait, do let me know?
Thanks
love,peace & lightness
Sara x

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Louise
20/2/2015 12:54:38 am

Just saw you on the Mel and Sue show looking amazing. You made me smile and that's not easy at the moment so thank you. I hope that it wasn't just your great acting skills but that you have managed to 'tame' your black dog for a while. I describe my depression as a black hole. Sometimes the hole is like a puddle and I can step over it but then it starts to get bigger and pulls me in. I'm aware of it most of the time and try so hard to not let it get so bad that I can't function but sometimes that's impossible. I use hypnotherapy most nights and it helps me as well as sending me to sleep :). Wishing all who are survivors of depression well and to Ruby, you are an inspiration. xxx

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Narcel
22/2/2015 09:22:53 am

Good luck dear miss Wax (and other readers)
I'm sure you'll surf through this with success.

And thank you for getting your message out about Mindfulness.
I have no 'official' depression, but I suffer greatly from my mind's antics. Even so, every week slightly less, thanks to the practice. Many of your video's have been absolutely essential in this.

So from the bottom of my heart I wish you the very best. I'm not underestimating this mangy mutt of yours, but I still feel very confident about your wellbeing. Your suffering will pass.

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Ben
23/2/2015 04:59:58 pm

I hope that you're feeling better now. You are an inspiration.

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